Last post I discussed how Bubba’s oncologist and I decided to use a very potent chemotherapy drug, trying to kill his pancreatic tumor. The drug was so potent it made poor Bubba very nauseated. So nauseated that he wouldn’t eat. So nauseated that no food led to low blood sugar and more seizures. He looked so tired that I knew there was no future for us together.
I made a very difficult phone call to my associate, Dr. Cheeks. I explained that I needed her to help me let Bubba go. Bless her and Ashley (one of our techs, but more like a friend too) for being there for me. It went very peacefully. I feel good that I made the decision at the right time, but I feel so lost without him.
Bless my staff for giving me a wide berth this last month. I know that they care. They have been very good at letting my up and down emotions roll off their back. I feel both justified in feeling my grief and guilty for mourning an animal. I realize that billions of people would like to have a safe and secure enough life to grieve a dog.
Bless my mom for putting it simply, but truly. When I tried to explain to her how adrift I feel without him, how I felt I should be able to shake it off, she legitimized my feelings by saying, “Love is love, family is family.” Really, the emotion between the dogs I love and the people I love is the same. I hope you understand I am not trying to be a heretic in equating a dog relationship to a human one. For me, I just can’t separate the feelings.
I do feel like Bubba is checking in with me. Yesterday I found part of the comforter on my bed squished down. I didn’t find dried drool or fur, but the flattened part was strangely his size. I either have auditory hallucinations or I hear his snorts now and then, even when I’m not thinking of him. Randomly, I found 2 boxer figurines at one of my favorite antique stores in town. They are Japanese and from the 50’s, a big boxer dog and a small one. Figurines like this are not common. I had been at that store 2 weeks earlier and they weren’t there then. I choose to believe that Bubba and Gunner guided me there to tell me they were together and okay, I bought them right away and now talk to them daily.
I read an old Norwegian quote this week that said, “It was the great the north wind that made the vikings.” It gives me comfort, that things that are hard to bear make you stronger.