I apologize for not posting for a while.  I had to put sweet Bubba to sleep and I just haven’t been able to think about how I would put everything I feel in words.

Last post I discussed how Bubba’s oncologist and I decided to use a very potent chemotherapy drug, trying to kill his pancreatic tumor.  The drug was so potent it made poor Bubba very nauseated.  So nauseated that he wouldn’t eat. So nauseated that no food led to low blood sugar and more seizures.  He looked so tired that I knew there was no future for us together.

I made a very difficult phone call to my associate, Dr. Cheeks. I explained that I needed her to help me let Bubba go.  Bless her and Ashley (one of our techs, but more like a friend too) for being there for me.  It went very peacefully. I feel good that I made the decision at the right time, but I feel so lost without him.

Bless my staff for giving me a wide berth this last month. I know that they care.  They have been very good at letting my up and down emotions roll off their back.  I feel both justified in feeling my grief and guilty for mourning an animal. I realize that billions of people would like to have a safe and secure enough life to grieve a dog.

Bless my mom for putting it simply, but truly. When I tried to explain to her how adrift I feel without him, how I felt I should be able to shake it off, she legitimized my feelings by saying, “Love is love, family is family.”  Really, the emotion between the dogs I love and the people I love is the same. I hope you understand I am not trying to be a heretic in equating a dog relationship to a human one.  For me, I just can’t separate the feelings.

I do feel like Bubba is checking in with me.  Yesterday I found part of the comforter on my bed squished down.  I didn’t find dried drool or fur, but the flattened part was strangely his size.  I either have auditory hallucinations or I hear his snorts now and then, even when I’m not thinking of him.  Randomly, I found 2 boxer figurines at one of my favorite antique stores in town. They are Japanese and from the 50’s, a big boxer dog and a small one. Figurines like this are not common. I had been at that store 2 weeks earlier and they weren’t there then.  I choose to believe that Bubba and Gunner guided me there to tell me they were together and okay, I bought them right away and now talk to them daily.

I read an old Norwegian quote this week that said, “It was the great the north wind that made the vikings.”  It gives me comfort, that things that are hard to bear make you stronger.

More later…………………………………..


4 comments on “Lovelife

  1. Love is love & family is family, I agree. loving an animal and having that love reciprocated falls into a category all its own, with a language that transcends words…it is deep. What you are feeling with this loss requires very few words; We understand. If you need a big boxer kiss, call Edie..she’s happy to oblige! If I can help you thru, I’m here too. Bubba, keep sending the signs…I’m a believer. Good thoughts and my deepest condolences.

  2. Thinking of you during this difficult time. Bubba was a beautiful dog, I am lucky I got to meet him a few times at Hill Dale or at the dog park. I am a firm believer in what you said about Bubba and Gunner guiding you to that store. To this day I still believe that Max guided me to find Loki.

  3. The love between a dog and their companion is perhaps one of the greatest because it is unconditional. They accept you no matter what and it is no wonder we feel lost and alone without them. Who else loves you so greatly and without conditions? For me, as well, my girls are my family. No doubt Bubba and Gunner are watching over and guiding you. Many times I have heard Jodi bark in the middle of the nite or felt her presence there with me. I talk to her picture almost everyday. Our pets have that ability to check in on us to make sure we are okay and let us know that they are okay too. My boy, Pierre, whom I spent my childhood with still makes his presence known every now and then and assures me he is really okay. I definitely feel justified in feeling grief and do I feel guilty about mourning an animal…………….NEVER………………
    and neither should you…………….

  4. I’m not a religious person, but a very spiritual one. I have no doubt that the people and animals closest to us stay nearby to guide and watch over us. Alec keeps Guido’s favorite dog bed in his room, along with his collar and pictures. Daisy will happily sleep on any other bed, couch, chair, or comfy surface in the house, but has never once attempted to sleep on Guido’s bed. I think she knows and respects the space. Dogs are so much wiser than us in so many ways. Take good care of yourself during this time. Alec, Olivia, and I are sending good thoughts your way.

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