Sometimes I wonder whether life laughs at us or with us. I suppose it depends on your point of view. Last night we finally got rain. It’s been almost 2 months. It isn’t enough, but it helps. I wondered who had washed their car yesterday, because obviously the rain gods have a sense of humor. Or is it pathos? It might be pathos if you are a farmer or make your living off the land.
In this vein, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about the timing of Bubba’s cancer recurrence.
If you follow my blog, you know that I’ve written often about his illness and how it affects him and me. I’ve been very surprised how willing I’ve been to put my thoughts about it out in the blogosphere. If you asked me in person I would be much less forthcoming. So in keeping with the theme of over sharing, I’m going to say that I believe in mysticism and spiritualism and maybe something more.
My judaism doesn’t believe in an afterlife. I’m not a theologian but I think Judaism wants you to be the best person you can be, and experience all you can while you are alive because there is nothing after death. I love my religion but I can’t believe that God gave us these animals to love and then when they are gone that’s it. I truly believe that I will see my pets again. Maybe not in a ‘heaven’ but somewhere else, maybe in a different form, I don’t know.
I have a friend who is a high-powered attorney and a complete pragmatist, but privately, she deeply believes in messages from the earth and it’s animals, and in rebirth. She thinks we receive ‘signs’ in life, and it is up to us whether we receive or ignore them. I had dinner with her last week and we talked about our pets. I joked that Bubba will haunt me after he’s gone since he is basically velcro’d to me alive. She encouraged the thought and believes that her cats were with her in other lives. I was overjoyed to think about this, to feel that we don’t have to be separated from our pets.
I went right home and gave Bubba a hug and told him that it would all be okay, that we’d always be together in some way. He seemed very happy about it too. Then, as if the gods were laughing, at 5 am the next morning his cancer returned.
He has pancreatic cancer which causes the pancreas to release too much insulin. This in turn forces his blood sugar too low and causes a hypoglycemic seizure. He had a seizure the morning after I told him all was okay. He had been symptom free for 10 months since cancer surgery. I knew it would return at some point, but I question the timing. Was it coincidence or was someone trying to tell me something? And what was the message I’m supposed to take from this?
We had our first visit to the oncologist on Thursday. I will write more about it later and how it feels to be on the other side of veterinary medicine. Bottom line, I’m hoping I can have a few more months with him but I’m not going to keep him alive just for me if I can help it. The point of this blog was to write about the human animal bond in a more general manner and make it as inclusive as possible, but I see that I keep coming back to my own personal feelings. I hope that’s okay for now.